After 15 months of unsuccessful attempts at getting pregnant and many doctor appointments we had finally received our big fat positive. We had just scheduled our first fertility appointment but that was quickly changed to our first ultrasound. At that ultrasound we were not super shocked to discover it was twins. My belly had started changing quickly and all of my symptoms were extreme. I have a family history of fraternal twins (the only type that is hereditary). We were joking that it was twins before we even got there. We were shocked to discover they were identical though. This had nothing to do with my family and all to do with a beautiful miracle!
Fast forward to June 22, 2014. On that day, after 33 weeks of a very scary, high risk twin pregnancy, my girls made their grand entrance! I got a crash course in being a mommy and loved it! As their first birthday approached we started talking about our family. We have always wanted 4 kids and we didn’t want them spaced too far out. After how long it took us to get them we decided to start trying a month before their birthday. Our hope was to be pregnant sometime between 18 and 24 months.
My doctor got me in very early. As she (yes, the doctor) was preparing to scan I told her she better just find one this time. She laughed and said even with my family history she strongly doubted there would be twins again since our first set had been identical. If they had been fraternal our odds would have gone up. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE being a twin mom. The bond my girls share is amazing. But the girls will only be 20 months old when I deliver. 4 under 2 scared the heck out of me.
Many women that experience vanished twin syndrome bleed but not all. I was part of the crowd that didn’t. I had really started to think she would still be there because I hadn’t bled. The first week I stayed very detached but the further I got without that bleeding the more hope I had. I was going to be a twin mom AGAIN. I could do this! But I didn’t get to. 2 weeks later we came back and it was confirmed that I had miscarried baby b.
This is all very fresh in my mind. I’m only 19 weeks now! We know we are having our 3rd daughter, Meredith. I fondly refer to her twin as Baby Grace. Just this week we lost my husband’s grandma. Last night he started crying and told me that he knew his grandma was in heaven rocking our sweet Grace for us every night.
As my pregnancy progresses I have struggled with letting myself grieve. I’ll start to miss what could have been and tear up. Then I kick myself. I still get to bring a baby home. I should be happy about that! Some women day goodbye and then it’s over. My pregnancy gets to go on. But that way of thinking isn’t fair. I still had a loss. I still have an angel. I still had to say goodbye.
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