As i sit and watch the movie PS. i love you featuring Gerard Butler & Hilary Swank, i realize i'll never truly be able to avoid "triggers". Now what in the heck am i talking about? Well a little snippet of this movie (If you haven't seen it) Holly (Hilary Swank) loses her husband Gerry (Gerard Butler) to a brain tumor, which she wasn't prepared for. After Gerrys death on her 30th birthday she starts to recieve a series of letters and gifts from Gerry. In a way they help her grieve, get through the next day and eventually find herself, her true calling and peace with moving on. It is a beautiful and seemingly accurate - in my opinion - depiction of grief.
While watching i found myself relating with Holly. From her doing all she could to hold onto Gerry by shutting out the world hoping it would just stop for a minute so she could catch her breath. To crying a gut renching cry and being angry because she felt all alone because life just isn't fair
I feel her pain for i am grieveing too. Returning back to the word triggers and how they relate to all of this, when i decided to pop in the DVD i wasn't prepared to face my emotions. Loving someone so much and then to just have them gone HURTS. It just does. For Holly it was a suspenders clip that brought her back to moments with Gerry.
For me its the pregnancy announcement i stumble across while on Instagram, or the food eggs. Walking by baby clothes in walmart. Simply the day of the week it is or a piece of clothing. I can be going about life as if im healing as if i've reached a level of OK and then BAM all i want to do is crawl in bed shut out the world and cry. But 80% of the time that simply isn't an option. So i fake a smile and keep going about life like im OK.
Here's the thing. I'm not okay. I don't just miss my babies, my pregnancy, my labor story. I miss the promise of what their futures could have been. I miss the ways that they could have taught me about love about life and about childlike wonder. I
miss seeing Jake become a daddy for the first time. I miss the innocence of never knowing the pain of losing a child.
People have told me "you're young, you have plenty of time, you'll have another one" while that may be true, that is not what my heart wants to hear. Because i wanted those exact babies that i no longer have. Those exact ones. No other child i may bare will be the same. Ever. I wanted to love, to discover with, to teach and to learn from Riley & Lincoln. And damnit im mad i can't im mad that im missing out on their futures. Im mad that when people ask if i have kids i say yes but they're in heaven and they just look at me with pity.
I never thought when i decided to watch a movie tonight i would be faced with emotional baggage. But here it is.
As Holly found her peace in moving on and i pray i will too. Maybe not tomorrow or next week but someday, till then i'm taking it day by day. Taking the triggers head on and giving them to the most high. The source of love and peace that i so vervently need.
Momma loves you more than i can understand, and misses you each and every day. Thank you for being mine and watching over Daddy & I, right now id do just about anything to hold you close. Someday i will. Till then twirl in the meadow, hold hands on the swings, and never forget that you are so loved.
Thank you all for bareing with me, for those who actually read this, you are gems and i appreciate you immensly
Till next time,