Halloween of last year, my husband and I found out we were pregnant! I took a test that morning and held in the secret all day. I could not believe it was true. When I came home from work, I had a bag of food from Target and had him unload for me. When he got to a little Halloween bib that I had bought he looked a little confused. I showed him my test from that morning and of course he was so shocked and excited. We had friends coming over that night so of course we couldn’t even think about keeping in our secret so we told them as well. Everything just felt so right and we were ready to be in journey to parenthood.
I made my appointment to go and see my doctor and got an earlier one at a free pregnancy center because I just couldn’t wait to see my baby. Everything looked good, the baby had a strong heartbeat and things were officially getting exciting! A couple of days later was Thanksgiving. I was feeling so anxious to get our little secret out so my husband and I decided to announce what we were thankful for…our little one on the way!
I made my appointment to go and see my doctor and got an earlier one at a free pregnancy center because I just couldn’t wait to see my baby. Everything looked good, the baby had a strong heartbeat and things were officially getting exciting! A couple of days later was Thanksgiving. I was feeling so anxious to get our little secret out so my husband and I decided to announce what we were thankful for…our little one on the way!
Halloween of last year, my husband and I found out we were pregnant! I took a test that morning and held in the secret all day. I could not believe it was true. When I came home from work, I had a bag of food from Target and had him unload for me. When he got to a little Halloween bib that I had bought he looked a little confused. I showed him my test from that morning and of course he was so shocked and excited. We had friends coming over that night so of course we couldn’t even think about keeping in our secret so we told them as well. Everything just felt so right and we were ready to be in journey to parenthood.
I made my appointment to go and see my doctor and got an earlier one at a free pregnancy center because I just couldn’t wait to see my baby. Everything looked good, the baby had a strong heartbeat and things were officially getting exciting! A couple of days later was Thanksgiving. I was feeling so anxious to get our little secret out so my husband and I decided to announce what we were thankful for…our little one on the way!
At 9 weeks it was finally time for my OB appointment. I was calm and felt like it would be a breeze since I already had my confirmation ultrasound at the clinic about a week earlier. They called us back and it was time to do the ultra sound. I will never forget the sinking feeling in my heart when I saw her searching around and that confused look on her face. She told me unfortunately she couldn’t find the heartbeat and it would ultimately turn out to be a fetal demise. What? How could that be? I just had an ultra sound last week and everything looked great. I haven’t had any signs or complications. I was so shocked, all I could do was cry and hug my husband tight. When I came out of that room to talk some more, she told me to expect to miss carry in the next week. I had never felt so empty in my entire life. It was like I was in a real life nightmare. I thought, this kind of stuff just isn’t supposed to happen! I’m young and healthy, I can’t remember doing anything that would harm the baby…how could this be?
Right away I called a close friend who I knew had gone through the same thing. I thank God that she answered the phone at that moment. I such a mess all I could do is weep when she picked up. She heard my weeping and said, “where are you, I think I know why you are calling and it’s going to be ok.” After I collected myself we talked and she gave me words of wisdom that only a fellow momma of an angel could and told me to call her at any time. Still I couldn’t help but feel so ashamed. I knew it wasn’t like I had anything to do with it, but I just felt like I was letting everyone down, especially my husband and my family. I knew deep down that this experience was now just another part in my story but I just didn’t want it! Unfortunately you don’t really always get to choose how the story of your life will unfold and what twists and turns are up ahead. As angry and sad as I was, I still chose to cling to God and draw my strength from him.
I lost that sweet baby a week later. It was the hardest thingthat I have ever gone through but after that day, I felt a new kind of strength.
I can say my husband and I developed a new kind of closeness that we had never known before, a new kind of love that we shared for each other and this sweet baby that was ours forever. We decided to honor and name our sweet angel Kasey. We picked a unisex name because we didn’t know if our angel was a boy or a girl. One thing that brings me peace is knowing that even though I don’t know what Kasey was, God does. He had each day of our little one’s life numbered and Kasey’s life has impacted not only my family’s lives but also lives’ of other mommas of angels.
After things settled down, I felt the need to announce what had happened. I reluctantly put a picture on my social media, explained what had happened and asked for prayers. I was so nervous about sharing our devastating news but I am so glad that I was brave enough to. We had so many people that gathered around us who were lifting us up in prayer. I had never felt so at peace even in the midst of grief. I prayed every night that God would allow me to share my story and use this experience to still glorify him. I would never asked this to be part of my story but I am so glad that ultimately God is in control holds each life in the palm of his hand.
I made my appointment to go and see my doctor and got an earlier one at a free pregnancy center because I just couldn’t wait to see my baby. Everything looked good, the baby had a strong heartbeat and things were officially getting exciting! A couple of days later was Thanksgiving. I was feeling so anxious to get our little secret out so my husband and I decided to announce what we were thankful for…our little one on the way!
At 9 weeks it was finally time for my OB appointment. I was calm and felt like it would be a breeze since I already had my confirmation ultrasound at the clinic about a week earlier. They called us back and it was time to do the ultra sound. I will never forget the sinking feeling in my heart when I saw her searching around and that confused look on her face. She told me unfortunately she couldn’t find the heartbeat and it would ultimately turn out to be a fetal demise. What? How could that be? I just had an ultra sound last week and everything looked great. I haven’t had any signs or complications. I was so shocked, all I could do was cry and hug my husband tight. When I came out of that room to talk some more, she told me to expect to miss carry in the next week. I had never felt so empty in my entire life. It was like I was in a real life nightmare. I thought, this kind of stuff just isn’t supposed to happen! I’m young and healthy, I can’t remember doing anything that would harm the baby…how could this be?
Right away I called a close friend who I knew had gone through the same thing. I thank God that she answered the phone at that moment. I such a mess all I could do is weep when she picked up. She heard my weeping and said, “where are you, I think I know why you are calling and it’s going to be ok.” After I collected myself we talked and she gave me words of wisdom that only a fellow momma of an angel could and told me to call her at any time. Still I couldn’t help but feel so ashamed. I knew it wasn’t like I had anything to do with it, but I just felt like I was letting everyone down, especially my husband and my family. I knew deep down that this experience was now just another part in my story but I just didn’t want it! Unfortunately you don’t really always get to choose how the story of your life will unfold and what twists and turns are up ahead. As angry and sad as I was, I still chose to cling to God and draw my strength from him.
I lost that sweet baby a week later. It was the hardest thingthat I have ever gone through but after that day, I felt a new kind of strength.
I can say my husband and I developed a new kind of closeness that we had never known before, a new kind of love that we shared for each other and this sweet baby that was ours forever. We decided to honor and name our sweet angel Kasey. We picked a unisex name because we didn’t know if our angel was a boy or a girl. One thing that brings me peace is knowing that even though I don’t know what Kasey was, God does. He had each day of our little one’s life numbered and Kasey’s life has impacted not only my family’s lives but also lives’ of other mommas of angels.
After things settled down, I felt the need to announce what had happened. I reluctantly put a picture on my social media, explained what had happened and asked for prayers. I was so nervous about sharing our devastating news but I am so glad that I was brave enough to. We had so many people that gathered around us who were lifting us up in prayer. I had never felt so at peace even in the midst of grief. I prayed every night that God would allow me to share my story and use this experience to still glorify him. I would never asked this to be part of my story but I am so glad that ultimately God is in control holds each life in the palm of his hand.
Today as I write this, I am happy to say that I am 32 weeks pregnant with a healthy little boy named Hunter. It’s crazy that he will be born exactly a year after announcing our first baby. Going through the experience of losing our sweet little one was so hard but has made me appreciate this pregnancy with Hunter so much more. I now look forward to the day that my husband and I get to tell Hunter about his brother or sister and how much of a miracle his life truly is.
To continue following along with the "Honoring our Angels" Series
connect with me on Instagram! @queenbeeandco
connect with me on Instagram! @queenbeeandco