Oh little one, your momma misses you so much. On July 3rd you changed my whole world. We had been praying for months for a baby. Then on that beautiful summer morning I decided to take a pregnancy test because I hadn’t been feeling well. I remember being in shock that after what felt like so long I was pregnant with you! I made your daddy drive me to the store to get more pregnancy tests just to be sure, he was so excited he couldn’t stop smiling. It was true! In March of 2016 we expected you to grace us with your presence.
We had decided to not tell anyone until we told your grandparents and aunts/uncles, but that next day the fourth of July we had plans to spend the evening with friends and your dad was so excited that he told them right away.
When we told your grandparents you should have heard the excited shrieks and seen the smiles they all had. You are so loved little one. Everyone we told was so excited, and couldn’t wait to meet you. I loved being pregnant with you, I was tired and nauseous all the time but I didn’t care, I was just excited to get to be your momma.
A few weeks later we decided to go on a camping trip, it was by that beautiful lake up in the mountains of Colorado that you went home to heaven.
Those next few days were the hardest of my life, I couldn’t believe you were gone, I didn’t want to believe you were gone.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you, I think about you all the time. I wonder who you look like, if you have your daddy’s sense of humor and my love for books. I feel cheated, I feel cheated out of getting to kiss your chubby cheeks, watching you take your first steps, hearing your first words. I feel cheated out of getting to take you to your first day of school, reading you books, and watching you grow up to be the amazing person I know you are.
The fear that I will never get to hold one of your siblings on this earth is a deep and ugly fear. It’s always there, hovering over me, toying with the dream I’ve had of holding my own babies.
I’m sure there’s no better way to be born than to be born straight into the arms of Jesus, but I’m selfish and I want to hold you. I miss you so much it physically hurts and takes my breath away. I can’t wait until the day that I get to meet you in heaven.I love you my little one. I know time will lessen this pain, but I will always love you and I will always miss you.
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