I started thinking about expanding our family and making her a big sister.
We were officially “not preventing” for almost a year before finally getting a positive test the day after Christmas 2012.
I was 21 when I got pregnant with
our first and it was after just one instance of not using protection,
so I was getting discouraged that it was taking so long.
We brainstormed fun ways to announce and name ideas,
and calculated the due date (September 3rd!)
A few weeks later, I woke up to a pretty good amount of bleeding
on a Saturday morning. We went to the hospital and saw baby on the
ultrasound machine, little heart beating away and looking perfect.
They told me to book a follow up that Monday with my OB. I asked my sister
in law to come along just in case I got bad news.
The appointment went fine, and we were on our way back to the car discussing where we
were going to get lunch when I felt a gush of blood.
We hurried back inside and they hooked me up to the ultrasound machine and there my
baby was, doing little somersaults in utero.
Another sigh of relief. I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage and was put on bedrest.
I was scared, but also glad that we knew what was happening
and that it typically resolves itself by the middle of the pregnancy.
Weeks turned to months and while everything wasn’t going 100% smoothly (spotting here and there), our baby looked great at every ultrasound.
I really thought everything was going to be fine.
I started a new job on March 5th.
The whole first day, I was getting really bad cramps.
But they felt like the cramps you’d get if you had to go to
My job was at a restaurant and I assumed that something I ate just didn’t agree with me.
When I got home, I got sick, which
pretty much confirmed in my mind that it was something I ate.
On the second day, I still wasn’t feeling great but I didn’t want to make a bad
impression with my new boss so I managed.
But by the end of the day, the pain I was in was unbearable.
I somehow drove home (pulling over
every few minutes in pain)
and Keith drove me to the hospital where I sat for hours in agony.
They brought us down for an ultrasound and, once again, we saw an active baby on the screen with a strong heart beat.
As we were getting ready to go back to our room, I felt a huge gush
(which I later found out was my water breaking).
When we got back to our room, the doctor checked me and I saw his face drop.
“I’m so sorry. Your baby is coming and we can’t stop it. You need to push.”
I literally felt my heart break and my stomach tie in a big knot.
All of those false hopes shattered to the floor.
After 2 small pushes, the tiny life I had clung on to hope for was in the arms
of teary-eyed nurses who rushed to clean my baby off.
I waited in silence, even though I knew there
would be no high pitched baby cries.
I debated whether or not I wanted to know the sex..
but before I made up my mind, my mouth had
already spurted out the words “boy or girl?”.
“It’s a boy”
They asked if we wanted to hold him.
I hesitatingly said yes, and I’m so glad that I did.
I laid eyes on a perfect, tiny baby with 10 fingers and 10
We took turns holding him and then gave him back to the nurses,
who had called a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer who took
some really sentimental photos.
caused the loss.
Three months went by and before I knew it, I was standing in my bathroom, a very faint positive test staring me in the face. It was Father’s Day
and it was the perfect way to wake Keith up. He was excited, but guarded. He wanted a more definite result. I went and worked a double at the
restaurant and when I left, I went to Target and bought a digital test for $12.99. I gave the cashier $13 and she took the extra time to find an
extra shiny penny, placed it in my palm and closed my fingers around it. “Good luck, whichever way you want it to go”.
The test confirmed it, I was pregnant! But instead of the overwhelming joy I thought I would feel, all I could feel was my stomach in knots again
(or was that the morning sickness?) and the nerves creeping back in. It wasn’t until my sweet baby girl Addison, was born on Valentines Day of
2013 that I could finally breathe again. Aubrey loved having a sister, and I came to terms with the fact that I was meant to live a life filled with
pink glitter and princesses..
..until this little man made his way into our lives this past May.
connect with me on Instagram! @beeandthebuzz