My name is Cassidy.
I have been itching to tell my story about my miscarriage and I wasn't sure if this is the right way to share my story. When I was 16 years old, I got pregnant with my first real boyfriend. So I was 17 when she was born. I am 20 years old now and she is 3. Her father and I always talked about giving her a sibling but we never really took the thought seriously....until February 2015, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I was slightly panicked but we were both excited.
I religiously surfed every single pregnancy app, website and Facebook page I could find to see exactly how our baby was developing week by week. My boyfriend and I decided together that we wanted to have an ultrasound first before we told our families (more so my parents) so I made a midwife appointment. I got my blood drawn and everything, it all came back fantastic and our first ultrasound was going to be done at 9 weeks 2 days. The day finally came....but what was on the screen was not what we expected. I expected to see our perfect little baby...but instead we saw a lifeless body, sitting at the bottom of my uterus.
We were crushed. I stayed in bed for two days, slowly losing hope that things would get better with every passing minute. I couldn't function, or much less even be happy for my toddler that had no idea that she was even going to have a sibling. So crushed, I finally called my mom sobbing to tell her what had happened....and the response was not what I had expected either. Instead of condolences, my mother had the nerve to say that we weren't ready for another baby anyway , and that the path we had chosen wasn't right, and that I shouldn't feel sad over a child that "isn't even there" I hung up. I never got an apology to this day. Eventually the time came to miscarry at 11 weeks, and the pain was unbearable. I spent the entire night in between the bath and our bed with my boyfriend to comfort me and cry with me. I never seeked help or support during my grieving process, and my grief was almost unbearable.
Some days, I didn't even want to live anymore. The guilt and isolation on top of this was a great deal, considering I had the most beautiful daughter in the world and a wonderful boyfriend beside me. When I finally started to open up to some close friends, the comments like "Just be thankful that you have the little girl you have." Come on. I wanted to scream at them. I have never had the strength or courage to fully open up about the loss of my child, instead it's stayed inside of me and my boyfriend like a dark secret.
My family doesn't ask how I am doing. Nobody offered to talk to me, or hang out with me. I was stuck working full time and taking care of my sweet handfull of a toddler while trying to keep my head above water. Months have passed, and after work last Tuesday my daughter came home from daycare one day to have her babysitter pull me aside to tell me how happy my daughter was, and that she told the other girls at daycare that she had a sister waiting for her in heaven. For the first time at the thought of my miscarriage, I didn't cry. I felt chills but an overwhelming peace come over me.
This gave me a small piece of closure that I will carry forever. My days aren't so dark anymore and things are getting easier with time, but my grief for my little one will always be a part of me. My miscarriage taught me strength. It taught how to love someone I cannot hold. It taught me to have hope. It taught me to hug my little 3 year old even tighter. And it taught me how to be there for other mothers who have gone through this kind of pain. I had a miscarriage. And I'm not ashamed of my story anymore
Cassidy has given me permission to add this lovely detail.
it is with immense joy that I announce she is 16 weeks pregnant
with her amazing rainbow baby.
We are SO thrilled for her and
can't wait to see her precious bundle in March of 2016!
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