I’m married to the love of my life Drex and we’ve got ourselves a 15-month-old son
(who is the cutest thing ever if I do say so myself),
as well as one on the way.
My dream for as long as I can remember was to be a mom. It was something I wanted with every ounce of my being and I had this beautiful picture of how my life would look. I met Drex when I was 16, we married a few months after I turned 19, and after 20 months of marriage we started talking about having our first baby. Kids were my life. I had dropped out of college the year before, partially due to some health issues, but mostly because I knew this wasn’t where I wanted to be right now. I didn’t desire a degree at this time, I knew I wanted to have babies and be a stay at home mom and I didn’t want my parents to waste anymore money paying for something I knew I wouldn’t be using anytime soon. I had taken a nannying position in the meantime, the after college but before kids period of our lives, which really only fueled the desire to have kiddos of my own.
We got pregnant immediately. The first “try” if you will. We had just decided to start the not trying but not nottrying and BAM baby. We were both a little like oh my gosh this happened way faster than we thought but we were SO excited. We started making plans. I found a midwife and met with her the week after we found out, we told our closest friends and family members, we were on top of the world. But I was sick, really sick.
✚and this is where we get to the totally TMI portion of this story, so brace yourselves.✚
Not the nauseated throwing up sick, the always on the toilet with runs kind of sick. I’m not sure which one’s worse. It was miserable, and I honestly believe this was the first sign that something was off with my body. Life went on. We had a trip planned to Alaska to visit my mom and watch my sister graduate high school so we were busy planning for that. The day of our flight I couldn’t go 30 minutes without needing a bathroom, which makes an hour and a half drive really difficult. We made stops along the way, I was feeling awful, but I was also really excited to be visiting Anchorage so that was a helpful distraction. Long story short, after getting through airport security I went to the bathroom and noticed brown blood when I wiped. I started to panic. Miscarrying was my worst nightmare. I called my midwife, who didn’t answer, texted my best friend who responded with articles about light brown bleeding being a very normal thing in early pregnancy, and we boarded our flight. I was in the middle and made a comment to the guy sitting on the aisle that I was pregnant so I would probably be up a lot and apologized for that. We took off and during the flight, the bleeding worsened. Brown to red, red turned to clots, and I just knew. This was it. Here I was miscarrying our baby on an airplane, stuck in the middle seat between a stranger and my husband. Drex wrapped his arms around me as we both cried. We mourned the sweet baby that we’d only been able to love for two weeks. I had boarded that flight pregnant, and I left it empty.
Our Alaska trip was kind of a blur. I was distracted. It wasn’t until we flew home a week later and I walked back into our apartment which was littered with positive pregnancy tests that I felt all the feelings that had been building up inside of me. My most vivid memory is the first day I was alone. I was taking a shower and the tears came. I laid down in the tub, naked, vulnerable, and I wailed. I wailed out to Jesus and asked why. My entire body convulsed with tears, I cried harder than I ever had before.
We waited a month before we started trying again. I began using ovulation tests as well as temping to track my cycle. We got pregnant with David in September; I got my first positive on October 1st 2013. I sank to my knees as I saw that second pink line show up, overwhelmed with thankfulness. Being pregnant after loss was scary. I remember being so incredibly focused on just getting passed the point I had miscarried at (6 weeks and 4 days) and I really just wanted to skip the next 8 months and have him here. It was a hard pregnancy filled with a lot of fear. Just this fear of something, anything, going wrong. I struggled with really enjoying it and savoring it because I really just wanted him in my arms and that’s something I still regret to this day. But June 11th 2014 he was born, two days early and perfect as can be and in that moment, all the pain and tears were worth it. He was worth it all.
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